remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
im holly from the hills drunk
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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