final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
