When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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