You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize