I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
