never play flip cup with pint glasses
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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