I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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