I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
