I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
