I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
