we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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