The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
