life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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