Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
