I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
