1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
