i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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