YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
