Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
