I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize