I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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