Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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