Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
