I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize