My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
