Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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