nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
