I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
