Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
