just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
