so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
