i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize