OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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