In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
