If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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