I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just tell him i said nine months
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
