shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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