"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
