Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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