i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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