sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Randomize
