You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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