My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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