She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
