Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
