I just saw a hot homeless man
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
