Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
