forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
