allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize