I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
