i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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