How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
