My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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