dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
